Who's Carl This Time?

Originally published on June 4, 2011 11:04 am
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

CARL KASELL, Host:

From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell, and here's your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

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PETER SAGAL, Host:

Thank you, Carl. Thank you everybody. It's great to see you. We do have a great show for you today, we got actor Kevin Bacon joining us later. We're pretty excited about that.

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SAGAL: He is in the new X-Men movie, but who cares about that. We've invited him here just so Carl can achieve his dream of being just one degree away.

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KASELL: Before, I always had to go through Queen Latifah in "Beauty Shop."

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SAGAL: But you, you're just a phone call away from us. The number, 1-888-Wait- Wait, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant for the week. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

MATTHEW WORKMAN: Hi, this is Matthew Workman from Brooklyn, New York.

SAGAL: Hey, how are things in Brooklyn?

WORKMAN: Great.

SAGAL: They always are.

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SAGAL: Or at least you believe they are, which is the whole point of living in Brooklyn. Well, welcome to the show, Matt, great to have you with us. Let me introduce you to the panel this week. First up, it's a comedian whose DVD "Who's Paying Attention" is available in stores that might sell DVDs, Mr. Alonzo Bodden.

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WORKMAN: Alonzo.

ALONZO BODDEN: How you doing, Matt?

SAGAL: Next, it's the woman behind the advice column Ask Amy and author of the memoir, "The Mighty Queens of Freeville," Ms. Amy Dickinson is here.

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WORKMAN: Hello, Amy.

AMY DICKINSON: Hi.

SAGAL: And lastly, a comedienne who's first CD "I Heart Jokes" is out now. She's performing June 10th at the Capitol Theater in Columbus, Ohio. I'm talking about Paula Poundstone.

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PAULA POUNDSTONE: Hi, Matt.

WORKMAN: Hi, Paula.

SAGAL: Matt, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Carl This Time. Carl Kasell is going to read you three quotes from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain just two of them, you'll win our prize, Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. You ready to go?

WORKMAN: I am.

SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is from Represent Anthony Weiner. He is the distinguished member from New York.

KASELL: I can't say with certitude. My system was hacked. Pictures can be manipulated. Pictures can be dropped in and inserted.

SAGAL: What Mr. Weiner could not say with, quote, "certitude," was whether what belonged to him?

WORKMAN: His lewd tweet.

SAGAL: Which included?

WORKMAN: A questionable photo of himself.

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SAGAL: You are the most delicate man in Brooklyn, no question.

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SAGAL: We'll give it to you, yes.

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SAGAL: What he could not say with certitude was whether that was a picture of his crotch or not. This week, the nation came face to face with Mr. Weiner.

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SAGAL: When we first heard the news that Congressman Weiner had tweeted a picture of Congressman Weiner Junior to a young woman in Seattle...

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SAGAL: We were like, no way, this has got to be a joke of some kind. Nobody is that stupid, not even a congressman. But after Mr. Weiner spent three days denying it, we are now ready to believe it. The question is why can't he say, quote, "with certitude," if it's him or not? How do you get in that position? Does he had so many pictures of his crotch, one could have gotten away? Maybe he's been taking a picture of his crotch every hour for a month to create one of those cool YouTube time lapse videos.

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POUNDSTONE: No, but to his credit, he is investigating.

SAGAL: He's investigating.

DICKINSON: Right.

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SAGAL: He's investigating whether or not that's his crotch.

DICKINSON: They gave him a hand mirror and...

POUNDSTONE: No, he has hired an outside crotch identification agency.

SAGAL: Yes.

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DICKINSON: CIA.

POUNDSTONE: People that are trained. That's right.

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SAGAL: Deep undercover, deep undercover.

POUNDSTONE: It certainly explains why Panetta is leaving.

SAGAL: Yeah.

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SAGAL: All week long, the Congressman did all these interviews, trying to diffuse the situation. Every time, he made it worse. He said it was a prank, he's a victim. He said the picture could have been taken out of context. In what possible context would you take that picture?

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SAGAL: Was he planning to send it to Fruit of the Loom to prove that the underwear was too small and he needed a replacement? Or maybe he sent it to his doctor with a message, "okay, it's been four hours, time to get you involved."

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SAGAL: Or maybe we just sat around all week and came up with theories for him because he didn't have any. Or maybe he keeps that picture to send to anybody who's having trouble pronouncing his name.

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SAGAL: Is it Anthony Whiner or Anthony Weiner? Oh, thanks, Congressman that really clears it up, now I'll remember.

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POUNDSTONE: You know, I remember when I was kid, getting the Sears catalog and what a thrill it was to turn to the men's underwear page.

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SAGAL: I bet. It made your heart go pitter patter, even at that young age, I'm sure.

POUNDSTONE: Well, not really for that reason so much as just to see guys looking casual.

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POUNDSTONE: You know, because they never looked serious or even uncomfortable being photographed in their underwear. They always had like a smile on their face and there would even be like two of them talking to one another.

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SAGAL: Hey. Hey, Bob.

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SAGAL: Maybe you can explain, Amy, as a professional advice columnist, or Alonzo, as a man.

BODDEN: Well, I think the problem comes when it's unsolicited. You know, it just doesn't work. I mean, you know, granted, women are equal and so on and so forth, but it's just not as welcome. When a woman sends a man a picture, you know say it's a topless picture, we don't have to know who she is.

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SAGAL: We're easy that way.

BODDEN: We're like, hey, look what I got. And we'll show all our friends. Look at that. "Who's that?" I have no idea.

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SAGAL: We're not going to be calling the police.

BODDEN: But apparently, you send one to a woman and suddenly the press is involved.

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BODDEN: You know what I love?

SAGAL: What?

BODDEN: Somewhere in Brooklyn, right now Matt's thinking, "What's question two?"

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SAGAL: Matt, are you still there?

WORKMAN: I am. I'm enjoying it.

SAGAL: All right. Matt, here is your next quote.

KASELL: This isn't a campaign bus. This is a bus to invite more people to be interested in all that is good about America.

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SAGAL: That was somebody letting us know that her big bus with her name on it that's being followed around by hundreds of cameras isn't a campaign bus. Who was it?

WORKMAN: She was just here for some New York pizza. Sarah Palin's One Nation tour.

SAGAL: Yes, exactly, Sarah Palin. Well done, Matt.

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SAGAL: Sarah Palin's cross country road trip is not a political event, she says, but just a summer vacation with her family, just like the ones you have. Except your summer vacations probably do not have a title.

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SAGAL: Hers is called the One Nation Tour. And she's, you know, just like any of us, has brought along her husband and her kids and all the typical road trip stuff like suntan lotion, stuff for s'mores and Greta Van Susteren.

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SAGAL: It's a road trip to important historical sites like Gettysburg in Pennsylvania and Trump Tower in New York City, where our founding fathers first made gold plating and toupees.

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SAGAL: Can you imagine how miserable her kids must be? Hey kids, this summer we're going to lead a cavalcade of increasingly frustrated journalists slowly up the eastern seaboard.

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SAGAL: And Piper is like, can't we just stay home and gut fish like we usually do?

BODDEN: No, I mean the idea that Sarah is on a bus tour across America for the entire summer, how many wild animals in Alaska are breathing a sigh of relief?

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SAGAL: They're no longer incessantly watching the skies.

BODDEN: Thank God.

SAGAL: All right, here Matt is your last quote.

KASELL: I'll wait for the surgeon general's warning.

SAGAL: That was a man named Eddie Mello. He was interrupting a phone call to tell the Boston Globe that he's not going to panic over the World Health Organization's warning that what might cause cancer.

WORKMAN: Cell phones.

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SAGAL: Right. The entire world gasped with horror as one, as the news came out that our cell phones are trying to kill us. Then we immediately used our phones to post the news to Facebook.

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SAGAL: Seriously, our phones? Come on, our phones could be covered in lava and tiny sharks and we would still use them.

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SAGAL: Like, no, I wasn't yelling at you, mom, the tiny sharks were biting again. You know? Plus, the whole cancer thing, great excuse to get off the phone with people you don't want to talk to. "Sorry, got to go, my phone's giving me cancer."

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BODDEN: My iPhone has a cancer test app and it came up negative.

SAGAL: There you are.

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SAGAL: This is actually good news. One of the things that this news means is all those calls your iPhone has dropped over these years, your phone wasn't malfunctioning, it was trying to save your life.

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SAGAL: But before you panic, you should know that this is based on a report from the World Health Organization. It's a survey of other data, and they've determined that there is a possibility that cell phones might be a carcinogen. It's on the same level of risk as coffee and pickles.

DICKINSON: Oh.

POUNDSTONE: Oh.

BODDEN: Well now.

DICKINSON: Oh.

BODDEN: So if I'm on a cell phone at Starbucks, I might as well just do myself in.

SAGAL: Exactly.

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POUNDSTONE: Particularly if you order the pickle latte.

SAGAL: Yeah.

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POUNDSTONE: That's just a man who doesn't care.

BODDEN: Yeah.

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SAGAL: Carl, how did Matt do on our quiz?

KASELL: Matt had three correct answers, Peter.

POUNDSTONE: Whoa.

SAGAL: Well done.

KASELL: Matt, that means you win our prize.

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WORKMAN: Thanks for having me.

SAGAL: Thanks for playing. Bye-bye, Matt.

WORKMAN: Bye now. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.