Bluff The Listener

Originally published on May 28, 2011 10:35 am
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

CARL KASELL, host:

From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with Tom Bodett, Faith Salie, and Adam Felber.

And, here again is your host, at the North Charleston Performing Arts Center in South Carolina, Peter Sagal.

(Soundbite of applause)

(Soundbite of cheering)

PETER SAGAL, host: Thank you, Carl. Thanks, everybody. Great to be in Charleston.

Right now it is time for the WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME! Bluff, the listener game. Call, 1-888-Wait Wait to play our game in the air. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!

Ms. PATRICIA DEOLIVERIA: Hi, this is Patricia deOliveira.

SAGAL: Hey, how are you, Patricia?

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: I'm good. How are you?

SAGAL: I'm fine. Where are you calling from?

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: Galt, California.

SAGAL: Galt, California?

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: Yes.

SAGAL: Where in the world is Galt?

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: It's in between Sacramento and Lodi.

(Soundbite of laughter)

KASELL: Lodi.

SAGAL: Where the heck is Lodi?

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: In between Sacramento and Stockton.

(Soundbite of laughter)

KASELL: You want to keep going?

SAGAL: Yeah. Let's just...

KASELL: Do it.

SAGAL: You're out there West somewhere. That's all I need to know.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Patricia. You're going play our game in which you must try to tell truth from fiction.

Carl, what is Patricia's topic?

KASELL: Come back, Oprah!

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: This week marks the end, of course, the Oprah Winfrey Show. Millions of people are already feeling her absence. Our panelists are going to tell you three stories of people suffering unexpected consequences from Oprah's leave-taking. Only one of them though is really your job. Pick, of course, that real story. Ready to go?

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: I'm ready.

SAGAL: All right. Let's hear first from Mr. Adam Felber.

Mr. ADAM FELBER (Writer, "Real Time with Bill Maher"): Nick Licari(ph) got the inside dope on Oprah's final taping, so he knew that the goddess of talk was planning on one-upping her 2004 stunt and giving every attendee not a car, but a brand new home. Yes, grateful Oprah was going to rebuild or rebuild a home for every single audience member.

So, Nick did the only sensible thing and cleared his lot by bulldozing a substantial portion of his two bedroom house. Which made it all the more painful when, at the tear-filled taping at the United Center, Oprah didn't give away anything but love. And Licari was rendered homeless.

I thought I'd get a head start, said Licari, my cousin swore that he heard it straight from one of Oprah's producers. He was wrong - or possibly he was messing with me.

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: A guy who destroyed his own home, in the faith that Oprah would give him a new one.

Your next story of someone living the worst today of their best life now comes from Faith Salie.

Ms. FAITH SALIE (Contributor, "CBS Sunday Morning"): Bob Colley(ph) is not writing in his gratitude journal today. That's because Colley, who calls himself a spiritual engineer, has spent the last four years designing the perfect item to be picked for the annual Oprah's Favorite Things episode, a segment that will never air again, now that the Big O has packed up her things and gone home.

Colley studied hundreds of favorite things over the last decade and composed an algorithm to create the ultimate thing. With Oprah, he says, you want some combination of God, beauty and food.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. SALIE: Colley's first attempt was a fat-free brownie mix with a baking pan that would leave imprints of Oprah's spiritual aphorisms.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. SALIE: He admits that didn't work because the viscosity of the mix made it hard to read things like, what I know for sure on the bottom of a brownie.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. SALIE: And the power of now Ugg boots, which delivered shocks of gratitude to reflexology points didn't test well.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. SALIE: But Colley had his ah-ha moment when he manifested a pair of jeans that he claims, quote, "lift you butt and your spirit." He calls them the Live Your Best Life Jeans, and their Spanx-like material was supposed to be woven through with threads blessed by the Dalai Lama.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. SALIE: I was this close last fall, Colley says, but the Dalai Lama's lawyers were playing hardball. So I'm waiting on offers from Nelson Mandela and Celine Dion.

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: A guy whose business plan of selling the ultimate Oprah's Favorite Thing came to an end with her show.

And your last story of someone suffering Oprah oppression comes from Tom Bodett.

Mr. TOM BODETT (Author and Humorist): Robert Spearing is one of those husbands who make the rest of us look bad. While, we were doing what we could to avoid watching it on TV, Spearing drove his wife from their home in Ontario, Canada all the way to Chicago to be in the audience for Oprah's final show. He probably likes to cuddle too.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Mr. BODETT: But events took a dark turn for Spearing when he wound up in a Chicago hospital with cuts and bruises and no Oprah tickets in his pocket. He'd been robbed, he said. Thugs beat him and took the tickets, he cried. I bet he cried.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Mr. BODETT: But Chicago police, knowing their hometown muggers better than Canadians do, doubted they'd bother with the Oprah tickets, and upon further questioning, got Spearing to admit he never had them in the first place. And rather than tell his wife the truth, he scraped up his hands on the pavement, bashed his own head with a rock and made up the rest.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Mr. BODETT: The good news, my fellow married men, we're looking pretty good again.

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: All right. So here are your choices: Oprah ending her show meant bad news for one of these people. Was it from: Adam Felber, a guy wrecked his own home in the faith that Oprah was about to give him a new one, from Faith, the guy whose business plan of creating the perfect Favorite Thing for Oprah to endorse came to end when Oprah's show did, or from Tom Bodett, a guy who ended up faking his own mugging to cover up his failure to get tickets to Oprah's last show? Which of these is the real story of Oprah Winfrey's dark legacy?

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: Well, I want to say the third one, but I'm going to go with the first one.

Audience Member: Aw.

SAGAL: Well, wait a minute. Why did you want to say the third one?

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: It just sounds more feasible.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: You're picking Adam's story of the guy who bulldozed his own house, believing that Oprah would give him a new one because it's more feasible?

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of applause)

Mr. FELBER: What are you doing?

(Soundbite of laughter)

Mr. FELBER: Let her choose.

(Soundbite of laughter)

Mr. FELBER: She chose me.

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: I'm going to go with three.

SAGAL: All right. Hold on. What? What did you say?

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: I said I'm going to go with the third story.

Mr. FELBER: It's too late.

SAGAL: Really? No, wait a minute. No, it's not too late.

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of laughter)

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: The third story.

SAGAL: So you're going to go with the third story now.

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: The audience is happy. Adam's upset. But you're going to go with Tom's story, the third story of the guy who faked the mugging. Is that your...

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: Yeah.

SAGAL: That's your choice?

(Soundbite of applause)

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: Yes.

SAGAL: All right. Well, we actually spoke to a reporter who covered this true life tragedy.

Mr. WILLIAM LEE (Reporter, Chicago Tribune): They had him confessing that he had roughed himself up to mimic, you know, injuries from the scuffle from that mugging.

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: Yay.

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: There you go. That was William Lee. He's a reporter for the Chicago Tribune. He covered the story for them of the guy who faked the mugging to hide his failure to get Oprah tickets.

So let's see what's happened. First of all, you have won...

Mr. FELBER: Yeah, let's see...

SAGAL: You've won our prize.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: You eventually picked the correct story, so you've won our prize, Carl's voice on your home answering machine. You've earned a point for Tom for being truthful, and you have earned Adam's undying enmity for me.

(Soundbite of laughter)

SAGAL: So a good day's work.

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: Oh, Adam.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Patricia.

(Soundbite of laughter)

(Soundbite of applause)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing. It's a pleasure to have you on the show.

Ms. DEOLIVERIA: Oh, thank you. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.